Read this satirical piece (in Reuben Abati‘s style of writing) written about University of Lagos (UNILAG), and the latest information from the school management to the students.
“Brother, I heard you are a Unilag student?”“I heard so too ooo”“Wow. Accept my condolences.”“Condolences? Who died?”“Your freedom and welfare of course. And the heart of your VC too and that of every member of the Senate.”“Oh, thank you for acknowledging our plights.”“You are welcome. So when are you guys doing the candle night for your losses?”“Candle night? When we have exams around the corner?”“Oh, your exams!? Well, success!”“Thank you.”“You are welcome. Ehm, I heard you guys will have to sign an Undertaker’s Form before you can become a student again?”“It’s an Undertaking Form…”“From an Undertaker Administration. No difference, my brother. Na the same thing we dey yarn.”“Whatever”“You know the function of an undertaker, right? That form automatically makes you all a living dead. Modern Mumu.”“Well, what can we do?”“Nothing ooo… what can David do against Goliath?”“Who is David? And who is Goliath?”“If you ask me, na who I go ask? The matter wey you see so, e heavy for mouth…”“Mehn, you are such a terrible singer.”“I know, and I’m better than a group of silenced students, or should I say slaughtered students?”“You know you are insulting great Akokites? The ones that produced a 5.0CGPA?”“Great indeed! Don’t worry, you guys will soon create a –5.0CGPA result with the way things are going. A flawed system cannot produce a flawless student. Apple no fit grow for mango tree.”“Abeg, I don tire jare. Unilag fit make person drink Sniper. Just leave me make I read my books, and leave Unilag with their wahala.”“So una no go protest again?”“Abeg who protest don epp?”“Hmm… okay. I wish all of una Goodluck Ebele Jonathan.”“And I wish you Buhari. Oya come dey waka dey go. I wan read for my exams.”“Ok ooo. Make una read well, and pass well. And I hope sey na go become better leaders when na turn reach. I rest my case.”