If there is one thing I’m so looking forward to being successful at, it definitely has to be my relationship goals. I’m jealous of those who have been able to find someone who understood and understands them and are willing to talk things through, early enough. I am of the school of thought that the earlier you find love in life, the better. Its also easier to navigate life knowing that there will always be someone to go the long haul with; regardless of how good or bad it gets. Regardless of whose light shines brighter and who has to take the front seat. Understanding the dynamics of life and that coming together, with deliberate sincere intentions, to create an unbreakable bond, has to be one of the best gifts of life. But the sad part of this whole gist is knowing that it cannot be a one sided decision; it has to be between two people who are willing and ready.
Its kinda weird that I still feel this way. Like I just read the paragraph above and I am surprised that the way I look at relationships isn’t messed up yet. Or maybe not on paper; who knows? I say this because of the conversations I have had with people who can be said to have gotten it right, those who kinda haven’t and even those I feel something special for, and all I hear them say in words and action is – “You are living in a fantasy world. It is all a game. You have to scheme, pretend, and manipulate to get the man you want or the kind of relationship you want.” A married friend told me to look at it as submitting my CV for a job, “You have to impress”. He went on to say being a good girl doesn’t really cut it.
If I go on about the things I have heard, I probably wouldn’t stop typing. However, one more thing that gets me riled up is the messed up standards. Standards which adds to the fact that pretense is the order of the day. So you really like a man and people tell you to Be Unavailable and Don’t Show Emotions if you want him to stay. There is this popular opinion on how a man would keep going back to the one who maintains unavailability and does not show him how much she cares. Like I said, it is messed up. Because, if I love you, why do I have to pretend I don’t?
Truth be told, I have seen some of these messed up standards work for people. I have. I have seen people pretend to be who they are not, and guess what? They got the ring. The big question for me usually is, what happens after the wedding? After the gorgeous friends and happy jollof eating extended family members retreats to their base. It’s just you and your partner. Do you show your true color? And If you do, how does he or she handle it? Of course most people are stuck. “My parents didn’t get a divorce, so I cannot be the one with a broken home when we gather for that December family reunion”…LOL. Do you keep pretending? And for how long? And how happy will y’all be for the rest of your lives?
I don’t know what you want or why you are still reading this post; it must be that you can relate somehow. But I definitely know that I don’t want to co-habitate with some man for the sole purpose of procreation. I want love, I want partnership, I want a family, I want my safe place, I want to be able to talk, cry, i want to be vulnerable…to be able to share my biggest fear, worry, shame, I want to know that I am with someone who has my best interest at heart and would push me to be the best version of me, I want loyalty… Don’t get me wrong, it cannot be perfect. I want to find perfection in our imperfections. I want peace – the kind that cannot be shaken, regardless of the heavy the storm gets.
Already, I can imagine you asking – “So what does this man get in return?” If you read the above paragraph again, without trying to be defensive or myopic, you will understand that none of the things I want can be achieved with a one sided affair. It takes two…it takes decisions.
This whole messed up standards isn’t for me. But maybe it’s time to lock ‘ME’ up somewhere and just have fun.