Hoping For Us

This is not a poem
So don’t judge it by your poetry standards
This is my heart bleeding
But not on pen and paper
It bleeds on a keypad of a Mac book
It hurts deeply, but my pretty face covers it
Is it just the face?
Could it be years of disappointment and rejection
This is not a diary
I am trying to make sense of how I feel
Why I feel
Why it is necessary to feel
And why the heart wants what it wants
Why I choose people who don’t choose me
Why you think I am not enough
Incapable of understanding
This cannot be articulate
Don’t expect it to be
I’m pretty hurt but strong enough to shed some tears
Even stronger to forge ahead
With an unimaginable strength to keep hope alive
Stupid you think? I know
But what would be left if I let go of hope?
I can’t, that’s all I have
This is not fiction
I cried myself to bed last night
A fault of nobody but mine
A punishment for my own wants and expectations
I have been here before, not many times
But I have
Different story, different face, same burn
This is not over
That’s what my stupid heart thinks
Maybe you would someday feel what I feel
Maybe you would see me the way I see you
Maybe you would one day see that I’m even more weird than you are
May be a little stubborn
Normal scares me
I want to rules…I want spontaneity
I want a different kind of understanding
This is crazy
I want all of you
As much as I want space
I want to understand
I do
I need you to understand too
Seems impossible
But I can’t stop hopingThis may be an illusion
I don’t agree
A mirage?
One of those deeply felt love that I have to let time take away, again
There is one thing though
It felt real
Felt right
Felt genuine,
For me
It was one of those times I wanted to give
Only give
This time
I will be here
Hoping for us
Loving from afar
Wishing you happiness
This you that I crave

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