Girls categorized in car terms

Girls categorized in car terms

Hello, Hi, Dear People, Hey, ehmmm I still don’t know the most appropriate form of greeting to open my posts with but whichever applies to you, kindly use it.

So I’ll just begin this by saying, “Greetings! In your local dialect”.

A couple of moments ago during my ‘sessions’, I was having a chat with a daughter of mine and something did strike my thoughts. Girls can categorically be grouped in car terms. Let’s have Girls categorized in car terms

For example, let’s discuss type as it relates to size and built; there are Sedans, SUVs, Trucks and pardon me to add Keke Napep or I’ll call it by a more polished name like we hear in movies . . . Rickshaw.

This is totally self-explanatory, the Sedans easily refers to the regular size 8 and 10. The SUVs (Jeeps) perfectly fits 12 and even though we are still undergoing discussions if size 14 can come in this category, I honestly believe once it’s from 14 upwards…. then we are talking trucks! I really don’t know if a size 6 is possibly a mini sedan like those Volks Beetle or we can just decide to call any other below that… a Rickshaw.

Now, let’s take this further a bit to discuss specifications and features. We know there are girls that require high maintenance, there are also those that need to be maintained moderately for optimized performance, and we simply just refer to them as V6, V8, V12, AMG or the standard 4 plug engines.

The thing is, if as a dude your basic salary is not ‘shell’ or ‘chevron’ standard and you are holding onto your V8 and V12 engines, I’m sorry you’ll be relocating to the village faster than our Ibo brothers going for Xmas holidays. I mean, by the time you spend 6 months’ salary on flight tickets alone and Chanel bags, you will start receiving direct messages from the Holy Spirit. The reason I wrote salary in bold is to lay a divine emphasis there, look…you can’t pretend when your hustle is not yet ripe, even top past government officials have failed in the quest of maintaining AMGs and V12 engines once they fall out of positions.

When we talk leather seats, paranomic roof, steering control, wooden trims or formica (whichever one you call it) etc. We are simply referring to those hard-to-get girls but once you win their heart, they provide you with maximum comfort; they are like the best of their spec. They cook, they clean, your friends admire them, and your family too can easily get along. Amazingly, these sorts can come in whatever engine capacity, depends on your ability and maintenance culture. Now beware! Some girls actually know how to sew leather and fix wooden trims on themselves like the ones I have on my Camry. Don’t be fooled, because like they say . . . one day when breeze blow, fowl anus go open…LOL, by then you are completely on your own…  It’s like paying for Pancakes only for you to get MASA in return. Even CHINUA ACHEBE will be shocked the way THINGS will FALL APART.

We all know in the auto world, “MILEAGE” is key as it plays a very vital role by equipping us with the right tool that could be used to predict the car’s efficiency. Mileage means the distance the car must have travelled in total and this is given in miles and kilometers. I’m sure some girls must have over ran their mileage and instead of numbers like 80,000Km, their mileage reads THE END in km. Let me just use a table to illustrate my set out bench mark for mileage as it relates to a girl’s “experience” and history…LOL

 

MILEAGE (in Kilometres) REMARKS
Less than 25,000 Brand New You are guaranteed to bask in marital bliss
25,000 to 50,000 First grade! You don’t even need to test drive it. Just enjoy.
50,000 to 90,000 Ideal; this is also very good. Marry her!
90,000 to 130,000 With a good maintenance culture, your union will be profitable
130,000 to 180,000 Check the parts, there must be one or two things you’ll need to fix before you take home to mama
180,000 to 230,000 Well, God needs to show his face. You must be very prayerful and be close to your pastor.
230,000 to 270,000 My friend, change that car! Start looking for a new one.
Above 270,000 *insert parables* Something must kill a man. A stubborn fly will end up inside a coffin. (Where are those Pete Edochie’s quote memes when you need them).

 

Outside the regular specs and types, some girls are simply Luxury built. We are not talking about cheap Bentleys, please open to the book of Bugatti Veyron chapter 2 verse 4 million dollars just before Koenigsegg Agera. . . Way above Lamborghini Aventador and Rolls Royce Phantom.

These girls will put you on the fast lane…the type that you and your father will need to join accounts together to take care of.

For cars, with the VIN (Vehicle Identification Number), one can view the history on carfax or autocheck to know the exact status before buying. Sadly, humans don’t come with special identification numbers, even our names are not really ours…LOL

We basically just ride through life trusting our heart to make the right choices but then again, nothing is assured.

Have a lovely week ahead!

Disclaimer: If you find this piece derogatory or degrading, I am sorry but you must have missed the message because the truth of the matter is; is meant to be one of those fun reads. If you are still pained and angry, please drop your email so I can send you a hand written apology letter but mind you, if you see my writing, I assure you . . . you will laugh!Written by Gerald Chizea

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6 comments

  1. Talking about the mileage, I have discovered that 90% of Nigerian girls lost thier virginity to rape and you are always the 2nd boyfriend. They broke up with the first cos he cheated. STORY FOR THE GODS

  2. Funny, i never thought it derogatory, till you mentioned it. Anyway, its cool and beautifully woven.

  3. Disrespectful and demeaning to women.Comparing girls to cars.Mere objects!.I hate this post and i think women deserve more respect.What about the girls out there that are still decent and innocent???Appalling!

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