Fickle Love Loop

love at first brushstroke - elsieisy blog festival

I grew up with an idea of what the perfect man for me should be. Sensitive, loving, attentive, vulnerable, etc. but I seldom find all these qualities in one person and I find myself hoping it will all piece itself together someday. It’s always a case of me being bitten harder than the last one. I think my first attempt at love was full of pride and sometimes, I see it as stupid. The good thing (or bad as some may see it) is that I never blamed the guy. I blame myself always, for expecting too much, ignoring the signs, letting my heart lead, choosing the wrong one and finding myself over and over again at the same spot.

So he liked me for a long time but I didn’t like him. Sometimes, I think I am placing so much value on the likeness of 11 to 13 years ago? Other times, I feel it’s real and I lost a chance at having my own kind of fairy tale. I wasn’t ready, I wasn’t thinking of whatever it is a boy and a girl could have. I had a best friend – my mother, and she was the only human I thought I needed to give me attention.

We had conversations and people called us sisters. I could care less about the next human – boy or girl. But when he withdrew after almost 2years to live a very carefree life, I was hurt. Then I missed him, I wanted him. His attention, calls, promises, effort…they began to mean so much to me, maybe because I didn’t have them any more. It hurt deeply. I tried to reach out but I was wasting my time. He was gone. Gone forever. I held him dear in my heart as my first love. Seems dumb, I know. Cos this first love was never given a chance but he had a huge chunk of my heart for a long time.

There came another who adored me too much. He was nothing like my first love in looks. He was just there from a well to do home. My set of friends at the time admired him a lot. They wished he was interested in them but he wanted me. They wanted him because he could give them money. But then (and maybe even now), I just didn’t understand the money factor. To my understanding, I lacked nothing. So when they try giving me reasons I should have a boyfriend and date a guy I really didn’t like, who was physically opposite when compared to my ‘first love’ in looks, it wasn’t making sense to me but yeah, there’s really something called peer pressure and it gets you somehow. So I started dating a guy who liked me soooo much, whom my friends were crazy about but I never loved. Of course I appreciated his love and all but thankfully, I was really innocent and I didn’t have to give back anything except the long (sometimes) exhausting phone conversations from Ghana to Nigeria daily.

I tried to end it severally. It was difficult but I succeeded. The funny part is, I felt his pain. Probably not as much, but I was hurt that I hard to hurt someone who adored me so much. I tried but I couldn’t be the girl he deserved.

Then came the guy I thought I was crazy about. I think he was a smooth talker. Said only the right things. I was falling into destruction. Even when my alarms went off, it was difficult to pull myself back up, cos he got me mentally. I just wanted to please him. So he’d always win when he played the reverse psychology card. He hurts me badly but I end up apologizing. Not the kind of hurt you can look away when you love someone. The kind that should lead to break up. I apologized and held on strong until it became too clear that I was being played.

Now the past isn’t the problem, the problem is finding yourself in the same situation and having to ask yourself why you attract terrible people in relationships. It’s more like a loop. Repeating itself. They swear to love me, I hold on tight, nurturing an illusion in the name of love until I get tired, decide to let go, stop pushing and hope for the other person to take up the task of holding us together… there and then, it’s clear I have been holding on to nothing. Cos he walks away, never to return to a love I thought he swore to.

But soon, just a matter of time, I fall back into the same trap. It’s always a fickle love loop, different package but same trap. I think I have learnt, but I realize I’m learning nothing or my head is learning but my heart refuses to learn a thing. It’s a loop I’m tired of. A loop I don’t dwell on for sanity sakes. A loop I dread. A loop I have learnt not to pay attention to anymore. Like my emotional needs are no longer priority. I don’t make an effort anymore. I watch you profess your love and hope that you can stay the test of time. And just maybe, I can start paying attention to the love you claim to have for me.

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