I just want to know


Many years of my life (about 12years or more) I did a menial job that I never wished for. I served, yes I mean I served and those times weren’t fun or easy at all. I was verbally abused without respite. I so got used to it that if by chance I wasn’t insulted a day I would feel like something was wrong with me. I would ask myself are you okay? Or has God finally heard your prayers? Mind you that doesn’t mean that I felt good about myself when I was insulted or abused at the end of the day. It was just something that became part of me then.

I could remember one night I stood for about 1hour receiving different versions of insult and all I prayed for was “for the ground to open up and swallow me” I didn’t think I had the ability to make it to the next day so when I finally left for my room, all I saw was a very sharp “green knife” (suicide mission) I wept until I had no strength and this was about 12midnight. I took my phone and called my friend and told him I wanted to greet him for the last time and he rebuked me and spoke to me for a long time over the phone but I still wasn’t convinced that I had a future that was worth living for, so when I was done talking with him, I picked up my phone and called Mr. Tola and again he started another series of sermon and I ended up on my kneels asking God for help because as at that time, I saw no tomorrow no matter what was been said to me. Finally I slept at about 2:30am and I woke up the next morning with a swollen face and a bitter mind. (This is like one of the hundreds of experience I had in those periods of my life.) The end product of this verbal and emotional abuse was that it led me to pornography. I remember one afternoon, after receiving a dose, I went straight to my uncle’s room and I came out with a CD. That for me was the beginning of another journey; because I watched it to the extent that I found myself behaving like most of the ladies in those movies. I became so addicted to it and there was no way I could stop. It got worse when I had a phone with internet access because it became the order of the day.

I felt bad any time I watched but I couldn’t stop because that seemed to be my only source of comfort but what I didn’t realize was that I was “adding salt to my injury” because pornography didn’t take away the hurts and pain rather it made it worse because I was left with ISSUES at the end of it. I had to deal with the pictures in my head and also my hurting soul.

This went on for many years until May last year. I remember going for an event, I had a swell time because I danced. To cut the long story short I had fun! But on getting to my friends place I got a call and that phone call left me weeping; forgetting all the joy and laughter I had experienced few hours ago and of course I went to the corner of the room and cried and while I was crying I picked up my phone and the next thing was pornography and I started but while the search was going on I heard a voice saying “why do you always do this? Is pornography the answer to any of your questions? Why do you like to make me feel so bad knowing how much I love you” I fell on my bed and wept but this time around it wasn’t because I was hurting but because I have failed God. He expected me to go through trials knowing that He is ever ready to carry me when I get so weak and exhausted but I failed. I told Him how sorry I was and asked Him for forgiveness.

There and then I got to the realization that God was and is still mindful of me, that He is ever aware of whatsoever the situation might be. I began to see Him as my ever present help in times of trouble and that most times when we go through stuffs it’s not because of our sins but like uncle Job may be He has boasted about us and the devil decided to strike. (Now can you imagine how many times you have disappointed God all because you think you can handle it your way?) Can you imagine how many times God boasted about you and when trials came you cried WHY ME LORD?

The bible said in Jeremiah 31:3 (NKJV)

The Lord has appeared of old to me, saying:“Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love;Therefore with loving-kindness I have drawn you.

He didn’t say I will love you with an everlasting love NO! He said “I have LOVED you with an everlasting love” because while we were yet sinners Christ died for us all.

So from that moment my perception about handling situations changed. When I’m depressed I don’t pick up my phone to watch pornography not because I don’t wish to see stuffs but because I don’t want to break His heart again. In tears I just say Lord, let your will be done, see me through this and give me the grace to bear whatsoever comes my way knowing that you alone have the final say over my life and I move on.

Do I still have challenges Yes! Because every human being on earth do, do I still watch pornography No! Because I love Him too much to hurt his feelings Knowing how much He loves me; do I see pornographic materials, yes on Facebook, streets of Lagos, twitter etc. but is that a license to click on it? NO!!!

Pornography or what so ever thing you might be addicted to won’t bring solution to your problems. ONLY GOD CAN and WILL!!

And God is so aware of what so ever you are going through and the truth is He loves you even in it. He is just waiting for you to ask Him for help and He is ever willing to hear you. Most times you just need to talk about it. That really is the first process of healing.



I am healed and I know you too can BHEALED! I’m always available if you want to share. God bless you.  PIN:294FAD78

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Written by Dora Ndidi

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  1. I used to be addicted to pornography tooIt was my sin. God set me free.”I have LOVED you with an everlasting love”I heard it after my world crashed and I broke down and cried because I didn’t want to believe. I believe now.

  2. Pornography is one strong addiction with very strong hands gripping every bit of a person’s mind and being. Just like with any other action, discipline and strong will without God is futile.

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