we now quarrel with every flimsy reason, I am 28yrs old, a graduate with nothing to fall back on, I'm in my father's house, I need your advice, should I still stick to Him and wait or move on with my life???

My name is Paul and I have this secret I’ve told no one before. I feel safe sharing it here because I’m using a fake identity which cannot be traced back to me. I’m a homosexual. I’ve been one since I was eleven. Now I’m 40 and I’m still single. Let me take you all to how it all began.

When I was 5 years old I and my friends came across an adult movie our parents stashed somewhere and in our naiveté we tried it on ourselves when the girls refused to let us touch them. All we did was kiss and touch then try to penetrate each other with our private parts, since we didn’t see any other hole to put it in. We didn’t see anything wrong with what we were doing and we stopped when we were caught by one of my friend’s uncle who gave us the beating of our lives.

We forgot about that then 3 years later, I was sent to stay with my aunty because we had financial issues at home. My aunt enrolled me into a day secondary school and life went on. My aunt was divorced and all her kids were in America so basically I was always alone except for her only tenant who also stays alone in the boys’ quarters. We call him brother. I don’t know much about him except that he’s a student in the university that was close to my aunt’s house. He was always kind to me, giving me money and always quick to touch my cheeks and call me ‘fine boy’. I liked him because he was so nice to me and I didn’t think anything else was attached to it. The funny thing I noticed about him was that he acts like a girl but I didn’t think much of it.

First it started with him inviting me in to watch cartoons when my aunt wasn’t around. And if no light he’s always ready to play games with me then when it’s time to go home he’ll smack my bum or hug me and tell me to kiss him. At first I use to shake my head shyly refusing to but he always promised giving me goodies so I’ll innocently kiss him, and I’ll be rewarded with money or sweet. Then one day I slept off at his place on his couch. I dreamt I was urinating and it felt so good. Just then I woke up and saw brother sucking my cock. I was shocked and tried getting up but he held me down while playing with my nipples. The sensation was so good mingled with fear and I’ve never felt anything like that before. I told him I wanted to pee and he said no problem I should pee in his mouth and so I did. I was so scared and my heart was racing then I felt weak and went back to sleep and he whispered ‘now that’s a good boy into my ears’. I woke up and there was a fine remote control sport car at the table. I looked at the brother and he nodded his head saying it’s for me. I had decided within me to stop playing with the brother because at that moment I hated him but didn’t know why I did.

Seeing the sports car melted my heart and I ran towards him to thank him and he hugged me and licked my ears. I felt that sweet sensation again and my private part stood to attention and when the brother noticed it he fondled it lovingly and kissed my nose. He begged me not to tell my aunt what transpired that day and it should be our little secret. That was how I was converted. From then on we started doing things until finally we had anal sex.  I couldn’t walk well for days and when my aunt asked I told her what the brother said I should say if she asked “I was flogged on my bottom by my teacher for fighting in school” From then on there was no stopping me. Even when the brother had to finally leave I somehow met other guys who were into same sex. I had lots of girls as friends but non as lovers. I found out I wasn’t sexually attracted to them and saw nothing wrong with it. I got into the university and met this group of gay friends. We always have sex with each other. Then they introduced me into prostitution. We would travel to different states and sleep with men for money. Port-Harcourt, Lagos, Abuja, and even Ghana. We met men, married men, single men and old men. We were paid good money. Sometimes 150,000 for just a night. The least we charged was 50,000 for a night. I got myself a car and started staying in a duplex. Life was really good.

One day I went to church and the pastor preached against homosexuality. Believe me I didn’t know it was in the bible. I thought my only sin was fornication. I felt naked that day and thought everyone could see who I truly was. I couldn’t wait for the grace before I ran out of the church. I talked to my fellow gay friends about this but they quickly turned everything around. They said that was in the Old Testament. They told me we were born this way and except God wasn’t the one who created us then there was nothing wrong. Foolishly I let them get into my head and kept on living this way until when I turned 35.

My parents summoned me home for a meeting. I went not suspecting anything.  I was the talk of the day. My mum said she wants grandchildren and I must start making plans on getting married. One of my uncles hinted that he only sees me with guys and they are yet to even know one of my girlfriends and if there is anything wrong I should let them know. My heart skipped a beat when he mentioned that. I looked at their faces while I sweated profusely to know if my secret has been discovered but the looks in their eyes didn’t register shock or disgust but concern. I was relieved. I told them a good girl is hard to find and I’m taking my time. I promised them that within a year I’ll get a wife.

I went home and told my guys seeking for advice. And that was when I was shocked to know that some have actually been with women. Some were bisexual. I was advised to get a girlfriend and marry her just to cover up and keep living my fag life just like those men who paid us to have sex with them. So I went in search of a girlfriend. I met this nice fine looking girl and we started dating. It took us eight months before we even had physical contact. I guess she got tired of waiting for me to make the first move. She called one night saying she really wanted to see me. I told her to come over to my place. She came that night dressed to seduce. She asked if there was something wrong with her. I was confused and told her I don’t understand. She asked if she wasn’t pretty enough or sexy enough. She looked into my eyes and said “Paul don’t you find me attractive” I said I do and she replied “and yet you haven’t touched me. Not even a kiss. All I get is a sisterly peck on d nose, forehead and cheek. Or do you think I’m a virgin cause I’m not. I need you to make me feel like a woman” and with that she grabbed my head and started kissing me. I could feel the passion, the flame, the hunger and desire in her and I don’t blame her. I’m a very handsome dude.

Some call me dadiwater because of my handsomeness and I understand how any lady or guy who is gay will feel being close to me and not get to touch me; pure hell. We kissed and we took each other’s cloths off. We were all over each other for minutes. I didn’t notice anything was wrong until she stopped and looked strangely at me. I asked her why she stopped and she pointed at my manhood which was still limp. I was shocked. That has never happened to me before. When I’m with a guy it takes me just seconds to get hard. I didn’t realize she’s been stroking me all the time we were touching each other. I came up with an excuse that I was tired and she smiled saying she knows just what will help me relax and down she went on all fours and started oral sex on me. I had to stop her because it was hopeless. I just couldn’t get up. I told her we’ll try again later. And we did try but it was still the same. I felt real fear for the first time. I was so ashamed that I didn’t even want to try it the third time. My girl and I broke up some months later and since then I’ve been scared to have another girlfriend.

My friends brought in runs girls to help us because I realized I wasn’t the only one with such problem but also those of us who has never been with a woman. And when this didn’t work we tried enhancement drugs, aphrodisiacs and what have you. In my induced state I imagined they were guys and only then do I get an erection and I ended up turning them around to make love through their rear. I’ve tried movies, I’ve read books and I’ve even prayed but non could help me change from what I am now. I’ve tried, believe me I’ve tried. I even paid a whore once to stay with me and maybe seeing her everyday dressed seductively will help. She tried every tricks in her little book but non helped and frustrated she said she was no longer interested even though I was paying her good money. Please if anyone out there knows what I can do to change please don’t hesitate to drop your comments. I’m tired of my faggot ways, I regret what happened to me when I was young and it has scarred my life. My parents are on my neck and I fear I’ll die an old lonely homosexual with no family

 As told by Tanya

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