More than an ex

Dear Vivian,

Yes, I chose to call you Vivian today. Maybe because it’s Sunday and I don’t want to term you ‘ Ex ‘. I’ve missed you a whole lot Vivian. I saw two people today who looked like lovers while coming back from the Church and I was reminded of one of our many fantasies. Oh, how much we loved to fantasize! Probably, we should win an award for it.

Believe me Vivian, it was not easy to let go of you. It was not easy to let go of the love I had for you. But life is too ephemeral to keep chasing shadows. I allowed love hurt me while it healed me at the same time. I didn’t only know the definition of pain, I experienced it when you left. Vivian, I still love you. I truly do.

You’re truly a loss I can’t replace. But trust me, I’ve gotten over you albeit I’ve not replaced you. I’ve moved on for real. The problem is some memories seep from my vein. I can’t help it. I really have a lot of questions to ask. A whole lot. What really happened, Viv? It was just four months into our relationship when you stopped calling or returning my calls, texting or returning any of my texts. You also stopped visiting. All these made me wonder.

Did you get tired or bored?
Did I become ugly or less romantic?
Did I become less intelligent or grew darker?
Did I misplace my priorities and made you feel less important?
Did you even loved me at all?
Why didn’t you write at all?
Why did you leave without goodbye, at least?
There’s just so much to ask.

You left like death. I was unprepared. You left when I was still in love. Since then, every beat of time threatens a resurrection of the love I buried. Did I bury it at all? I’ve tried caging the pretense in the pockets of fears because every tendency swells of a rebound. Was I successful?

Vivian, I’m right to say I did nothing to you. I’ve been into five different relationships while trying to get over you and none worked. They all lasted less than three weeks. Yes, approximately. Dupe said I was too holy for her. Funny yeah? But I never found it funny. Theresa said she needed a happening guy. She tried to help me grow into one but it failed. Joy called me poor. I starved to give her my all financially but it was never enough. Mary was a sex manic. I called it quit as my life was being threatened. No matter what, she was never satisfied. And then Janet, the over protective one called me a flirt. Only if she knew the girl I hugged was my cousin.

Mum told me that my problem has been ” putting others first and teaching them I’m next “. I grew up thinking it was a fib. Sadly, I’m just realizing it now. My feelings are my own foes. They disobey me. They’re not really mine. After all, what you can’t control isn’t yours. I slowly became a slave to passion and after falling in love with you, I quickly enjoy the “sweet” slavery. Wasn’t it strange? Love wasn’t our problem, I’m very sure of that. I’ve much to write about, Vivian. Many things to pen down. But I guess it’s not necessary, maybe. I just pray that you realize someday that I loved like my own life. I pray you realize someday that my love was enough to make you. But, I also pray that when that someday finally comes, I’ll be available. I still believe in us.

All great love that’s ever died dropped dead, so I learnt. My love story is one that should play down history’s romance timeline. Thank you for teaching me how to love with my head at least I can smile now without you being the reason. Did I tell you? I saw you new boyfriend. Don’t ask me how. He’s the happening guy, maybe that was what you’ve ever wanted. I just don’t understand why he says “I love you” to my cousin. I pray you find comfort there.

by Joseph Chimezie

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