My dearest Ijai, I was up all night; this time it wasn’t because of the nightmare where I try to reach out to you, but the distance between us keep increasing. I always wake up from those in tears and with a crushing feeling in my heart and a migraine. I was up, tracing the path your hands followed up my tight and savouring the after taste of your lips on mine; I crave for this day and night.
This feeling I have in the pit of my stomach, is this what they refer to as ” having butterflies ” I am not sure if butterflies can actually create such a feeling but then it could mean they were referring to their wings cause I feel I’m flying high on something as light as the wings of a butterfly.
My dearest Ijai, is this what you meant when you said you love me? Do you still get this floating feeling? Do you also stay up at night tracing my touch and planning a happily ever after with me?
I day dream of our wedding day. I have picked the wedding colors; Pink, ash and black. Pink because it’s my favorite color and ash because it’s yours. The black is just for spite ( lets give the bad belle people something to talk about) I wish we could skip the church wedding and just have the pastor bless us in his office. I feel wedding services are a cliche . Our moms will be mad but then we’d just apologize afterwards. I however want a big reception with a bridal train of about 200 people. I went window shopping and I’ve picked my wedding dress, you will absolutely love it and I can imagine the way your eyes will light up when you see me in it.
I day dream of all these to keep my mind off the hurt I feel. I’m sorry I had no idea I was pushing you away with my words. I didn’t mean to, all I was doing was voicing out my fears and emotions. If I knew lending a voice to my feelings will only create a rift, I would have happily swallowed every one of them, Smiling every step of the way. I’m sorry I failed to embrace the distance and dutifully create a serene and peaceful home for you in my quite. I’m sorry I failed to realize you were hustling to provide a home for us with all the comfort I desire. Honestly, all I wanted was for you to create some space for “us” amidst the hustle. I wished for you to realize that there will be no home for us without our emotions still intact.
It’s time to drop my pen in the golden basket of love. I hope I captured the turmoil in my heart and you are able to understand with me. My dearest Ijai, I hope a part of your heart still beats for me and you give it a chance to once more beat in sync with mine.