Excapades Of A Social Media Addict – 8 (R-18+)

Adventures Of A Social Media Addict (R-18+)

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My whole day seemed ruined before it had even kicked off. The news about Lagos had really stunned me. Sleep was taken off again as usual and I was left alone. I sat up in bed for an hour or more. NEPA (as we call them) restored the power. I picked up my blackberry, found my charger close-by and plugged it into the nearest power outlet. I had positioned my bed in just that way so I could sit up and chat for hours with my phone plugged into the wall socket.Needed to clear my head..switched on my phone and scrolled through my apps. What to do sef? Everything just seemed blank to me. Dayo pinged, asking “how va?” and “what time I was coming over to his place?”. “Sighs..I am really gonna miss this dude when I go back to Lagos. No pings from Salewa, probably sleeping. And here I am I couldn’t get myself to close my eyes for even a minute. I got up and walked to the kitchen. There was some left over rice in the pot, it was still warm..Grannie must have heated it up this morning. I took a plate and served myself..got some soup on it and headed back to my room. The LED notification on my  phone was blinking red. Probably Salewa had woken up and had buzzed. I picked up my phone and checked. The ping wasn’t from Salewa..it was from Kunle.

“Where you dey?” The 1st ping

“I dey ibadan, wetin happen?” My reply…

“Good..abeg I need your help. U dey do anything today”

Now what does this dude want?

“Nah, I free, wetin dey”

“Good. Abeg I want make you help me arrange lunch for Sumi and her friends”


“Jor na. I forget tell you say na Ibadan she dey serve. She dey live with 3 of her friends. All of them be corpers sef”

Arrrrgghhh! Sumi was Kunle’s girlfriend..never met her tho the yeye boy was always bragging about him finally settling down with her. I never argued with him..was always helping him count the months though.

“Chill…explain wella”

“Ok I promise Sumi lunch today..sharwama and sprite..na long story sha but the koko na say you dey ibadan,she dey ib”

“Bobo, No1 you no dey ibadan and u promise person lunch.. No2 yo,u know if I broke?”

“Mayo, couple jor..she get 3 flatmates all lawyers”

I sighed..I knew where he was headed. Probably thinking I could hit it off wit one of them and settle down..smh, friends I have sha. So now I was been set-up… He gave me her pin and I added her up.. after chatting for a while..she told me she would like the lunch on Saturday..something about been busy at court..something something sha..let her pray I’d still be in ibadan by then sha. A call came thru..was Dayo..

“Guy, how far..you never wake ni?”“I don wake jare, weyreh boi. Chill make I bathe..I dey come your side now”..sighs I just had to go.“No come house oo,come block us for bubbles”..

They were on a drinking spree..just perfect, what I so needed. I headed off to the bathroom. Left my phone playing Linkin Park’s “What I’ve done” as I bathed. 15mins later I was telling popsi goodbye..I had to quickly see someone at U.I…my usual format. I went outta the house without any sight of grannie. Better that way. Wasn’t ready for any more stare-downs.

My life was going too fast..way too fast and I knew I had to slow down. A cab and a bike later and I was at bubbles with my pals again..from the looks of things, today was the official drinking day..3 bottles of Star, a medium sized bottle of Mcdowells, a bottle of Fayrouz were already suffering.

“Mayo baba, sit down..make I order Red wine for you” Dayo and this yeye greetings. Asides Dayo and Demola, there were 2 other guys seated at the table whom I recognised as Dayo’s co-workers. One was Loco and the other I didn’t really remember his name. We had hanged-out before and they were fun to be with. Thank God, no girl..this was sure gonna be fun.

“Omo make we enter there tonight” Obviously there had been a discussion going on before I popped up.“Ehen oya na, freestyle things..and if any thing happen I fit fuck inside Dayo car” Demola said.

Fuck ke?! My ears picked up those words fast..what the hell were they talkin about?

“Mayo you sef go fall in?” Dayo was now facing me. Just then a waiter arrived with my redwine.“Fall in where?” I was pouring out my drink as I asked back.“We wan play go queen cinema this night jare…oo I don forget say you no dey fuck olosho” all of them bursted out laughing as Dayo said this. I sighed and dropped the redwine bottle.“I no know wetin una dey enjoy for olosho package” I blurted out.“Wait chill..make I define olosho give u..” Demola talking..”An olosho is any girl who asks for money after una don straff. She fit ask for the money in one form or the other”…“Bobo, na me you wan dey define olosho for ni? I know as e dey go.” I took a sip..“Oya make we forget definition..we dey go queen cinema this evening sha” Loco said.“Wetin dey happen there? Party dey ni”“Na, we just wan go arrange some girls jare..make we drink fuck better tonight”..“You wan go spend money on olosho this night? Issorai abeg make una arrange 5k gimme sha before una go” in reality my bank account was bleeding.“Mayo ole, how much dem dey fuck olosho for queen cinema? Na 300naira.” Dayo bursted out laughing…EHN!!!

I still couldn’t believe what these guys were saying, how can any right thinking guy fuck for just 300 naira in this HIV/AIDS and other STDs era. This just doesn’t sound right. Well who am I to judge them, its their life and they were sure living it the way they want…

“Haba na, how you go fuck olosho for 300naira? Which kain package be that?” I had regained my composure.“Omo, no be say you go carry am go house oo. Na on the spot fucking”..Dayo replied.

Hmmm, no wonder Demola had been talking about fucking in Dayo’s car. I just wasn’t interested. The cheaper prostitutes come, the closer you get to dying.

“Wait sef, Mayo..so you wan say you never fuck olosho for your life before?” Loco asked me.“Nope” I replied as I sipped my redwine again.“You be confirm weyreh. Wetin be your own definition of olosho sef?” Demola was asking now.“Any girl that sleeps with you and expects to get paid in one form or the other na confirm olosho”..I pipped out.

Everyone at the table bursted out laughing.

“Mayo, walahi you don kolo finish” Loco said….“Na fact na..even if na BIS she want make you help her pay or make you hire cab take her go house..all na same” I continued“Forget Mayo jare, make we go if we don finish”

Demola was obviously fired up and ready to go. Conversation carried on..varied from one subject to another. When boys and bottles are gathered together at a table, anything and everything can be discussed. I was feeling pretty weak, apparently the effects of last night. As we rounded up, I shook everyone’s hand and told them I’d be on my way while they headed to Queen cinema (where ever that was sha).I hopped on a bike and started heading home. It was still early afternoon and I was pretty sure those boys were still going to be there drinking till evening or probably there was a nice drinking spot at Queen’s cinema….

Got home and found out our trip to Lagos had been delayed by 2days, oh well.  Spent the next 2days thinking about my stay in Ibadan and there was pretty no doubt I was going to miss it all. I slowly packed on the D-day we were to leave Ibadan. Even Dad could tell there was something wrong but couldn’t ask. Didn’t tell Dayo I was leaving Ibadan finally, just ping’d him to say I was travelling to Lagos. Probably he taught it was one of my short impromptu trips.. My last night in Ibadan was spent at the bar next door..all my drinks were on Shola. Luckily for him, I didn’t drink beer (not a fan). He got me a bottle of Redwine and a plate of fried pomo. He was pretty sad to hear I was leaving..I had become his close padi..

The redwine was half gone when Mario walked into the bar. Mario was a Lead City dude that stayed in the area. We met and gisted once in a while at the bar. Tonight the look on his face was grimm though.

“Bros, how e dey go na?” He hailed me..always called me ‘bros’ for reasons best known to him. He sat down and ordered a pack of white london cigarettes. Forgot to tell you, he’s a heavy smoker.“I gentle jare, wetin dey?” I shook his hand as he sat opposite me.“Asin this life no funny at all oo” He started as he lit up his 1st cigarette of the night.“School parole?” I asked.“Na” he heaved then sighed..it must be something pretty serious.“My girl get belle ni”. He blurted out“Ehn”. I dropped my cup. No wonder the yeye boi was in a wahala state. He was d butty type so it was obviously all new to him.“You don confirm say she get belle?” I asked.“Yea, we don go comot am today”

The boy was smarter than I gave him credit for. Already taken the girl for an abortion but what was he still worried about?

“So why you still con dwy downcast like this?”“I chop slap 2day ehn”“Slap ke?, wetin consine slap and pregnancy?” I was really confused..“Na my girl friend dey slap me. Before the stupid doctor start the abortion, he first dey give us one yeye lecture. As he dey drop each sentence, my girlfriend just dey slap me. Especially when he talk say she fit die”“Wait, Doctor tell una say she fit die?” I bursted out laughing. That must be one crazy doctor.“No, not like that jare. He just dey try explain”..He started to light up a second stick.

Doctors nowadays have really gone bananas. I had followed a friend once to go have an abortion (and no, the pregnancy wasn’t mine before you guys start thinking otherwise). The doctor then didn’t even ask or say any story..just collected his 5k and did the abortion that lasted just 4 minutes 12 seconds (yes I timed it). Well that was years ago and story for another day.

I just told Mario to calm down and forget since it had already been done and the worse was over. Got an extra cup and poured him redwine to cool his blood. That girlfriend of his must be a real tough one. I spent over 3 hours ar the bar that night, gisting with Mario and Shola, exchanging banters with most of the bar regulars who I knew. And it was time to go. I stood up, patted Mario and walked to the next compound which had been my home 4 the last 16 months. Tomorrow I’d be back in my city which was no longer as appealing as 5 months ago. Well no one knows what tomorrow holds, no one knows. My thoughts were blank as I entered the house, locked the gate. Got to my room, stripped then noticed my phone was blinking..a ping from Salewa, I didn’t bother reading it, just stepped into the bathroom and let the water run…………..

Written by Bass (twitter – @bass_ige)

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