November 29 2019 is not the worst day of my life but it definitely is a day I am thankful and numb for. I share my happiness, pain, and disappointments when I have the time to. This time, I am sharing my pain, shame and disappointment. I know I should not be disappointed in myself because of the actions of another, however, knowledge and information does not necessarily control our emotions. I am simply saying that right now, I hate myself and maybe my life. Do not think of me as ungrateful, no I am not. I know how many people who would want to take my place In the grand scheme of things. Who would say, ‘I admire her and I want to be like her’. I understand this, but right now, I feel like shit. I am broken, heartbroken and disappointed at myself.
For a moment, I feel worthless, unwanted and less valued. Actually, this place is not strange. It isn’t. its familiar but I got here through a different route. And it doesn’t make it less hurtful. Sometimes you open your heart and soul to someone just because your heart agreed and you believe every word they say. But why wouldn’t you believe them? We don’t have a lie detector necklace…at least not yet. You believe them because you think they’d not have a reason to lie. But you are wrong, they turn out to be just as messed up as the ones you ran away from and have avoided for a long time. They turn out to be worse and you begin to wonder why your choices seem to be terrible, almost always. You begin to think it’s your fault. I was brought up to be calm, respectful, honest, calculated and not one to trample on people’s emotion. But I am constantly seeing people who are willing to be manipulative find happiness (or so I think), find love and take that which I hope and crave for. That which I deserve.
No I am not writing for you. I am sorry you are reading this. I am writing because I don’t want to lose my mind. I am writing because I need to channel this pain that I feel. I am writing because I don’t party or drink to push my pain away. I feel it. I let it run through my vein. I could try to bury it with work but when work ends, I let it consume me and I pray to God for peace. He always answers, in his own time. Like I said, I am too hooked up on my home training to let go. I think I should let go. I think I will find happiness or some sort of fulfillment when I begin to care less about what seems right and isn’t right when it comes to emotions and how I express them. Maybe I will be better for it and find excitement in it. Maybe imbibing the act of being totally carefree and playing the game will give me some sort of adrenaline rush.
I am even more annoyed that I have not been able to cry. I know I would feel better if the tears can just flow. It’s been about 9hours since my biggest doubt became my reality. I need to cry. I think the need to cry is the reason I’m writing this but I am definitely publishing it. I am still not crying and my heart is heavy. So heavy. I just want to look him in the eye to understand why he chose my heart to toy with. Why he walked in to disturb a perfectly laid to rest emotion. I don’t think I did anything wrong. I may be wrong about that but he would have to let me know.
I don’t know who I am going to be after this. I don’t know if I will ever believe any man. Yes it hit me that hard. I don’t know that I can, or that I have the capability to, at the moment.
Aha! Feels like my tears are ready to flow.
Ok not yet, but I feel it coming.
I will keep writing..
My heart bleeds because I loved him. I did. I believed him and now I am busy blocking out those questions jeered at making me feel insufficient…not enough.
I think there is a big difference between you just wanting to have fun and deliberately leading a woman on to think there could be something special, just for the sake of sex or to prove a point. I am tempted to just drink. Like drink till I have to vomit. But I could never do that to myself. I guess I love me as well, maybe not as much as I should but I definitely love me too much to hurt me. Which is why it is unforgivable when a person hurts me deliberately. Don’t ask me how I know it is deliberate. I am not a child and I know. I have been hurt by people’s actions and decisions but all due to my own expectations. And I never blamed them for it. You cannot force people to want what you want or love you back. But when it’s the other way round, that’s wickedness.
I am still waiting for the tears…
As I type, a part of me is still hopeful. Dear heart, what are you hopeful for? Don’t be silly. There is nothing to hope for. Not on this one. He isn’t worth it. Stop it. Just help me cry. That should be your prerogative. Help me cry so I can stop writing.
I just want to cry…
So when you told me I am stuck with you and you are never letting me go, did that mean you were willing to string me along until I realize you are busy giving your time to another woman?
When you asked me to be patient and that ‘us’ is a thing, did you need my patience to take care of the one you chase even though she is with your friend?
When you told me you wanted us to try and make us work, did you mean you needed my cooperation to hurt me?
When you said the reason I think you are unavailable is not the reason; is that another way of saying, ‘you have figured me out but I am not letting you have this satisfaction’?
When you said you know communication has been terrible but will be fixed; did that mean ‘bitch that should be your cue to fuck off”?
When you said, ‘better get used to the stress’, you should have been more specific.
When you forward your photos to me (well the few times you did), did you forward to her as well? And maybe 99 others?
When you accused me of walking out on us twice, what was that mind game about? Help me.
You know why I kinda feel like hating me, cos I knew something was off and I kept on telling you, ‘This is not right, this is not how to treat a woman. And that your excuses doesn’t make sense’. But stupid me, was still there. Willing to give you the benefit of doubt. I always did. Only to find out you are in a triangle?
Now I know why the tears isn’t coming. I am more disgusted and disappointed than heartbroken. I am disgusted that you would comfortably be an option when you had an option not to be. Look yourself in the mirror and ask yourself what you really want and what you deserve. Sending your driver to pick up your love interest from your friend’s house? LOL I thought you deserved more. But I was wrong.
I think I know when my tears will come – when I’m done feeling pity for you. I cared about you a lot, but I will learn to stop caring. Slowly but surely, I will forget that I fell in love with a man who is twistedly interested in another girl who is confused about choosing between him and his friend.