Blog Festival | Juanita | by R Soos

 at night I feel a worm crawling though my bodyand you know, I don’t hallucinate anymorebecause hallucinations aren’t realand everything is real nowbut I can’t tell the real from the friends sometimesand it can’t be madnessand it can’t be dyingif only they would talkwould lead me to their worldwould let me stop staringand let me enter at my willit’s like a big tv showno one is watching but the childrencan I break the screenplease mommy pleaseit’s only glassit’s not realit’s not, is it mommy?see Juanita, I told you soI’m a singing boneyelling through my marrowit’s all a yesterdaytouch your toesup and downCAN YOU HEAR ME UP HERE?I’m not lost – got no place to go – and be nice andwe’ll have cookies and juice and maybemake up stories for the children and makebridges from my words and sing the songsthe songsthe songs are long goneJuanita sings the songsher name is beautifulher skin was burnt in a fire where hermomma diedmy momma never died.could we do something exciting?the graveyard is filled with tree trunksno, I never asked whydid you meet my friends momma? nobody believesthey’re here – yes, I’m talking about you guys, hey,have you met my mom?mom?nobody is ever here when you think they are.oncein the center of the courtyardI looked up and saw the sunI felt so warm insidelike it was all real and mineoh GodGodI know you tremble God – morning dew is coldbut I love to lick it off the grassand pretend I am a dolphin and the wateris all mine and there is never a struggleand everything is magical and there areno skulls in the nurses hands there isno death God – and my mouth is beautifulJuanita is a beautiful nameand her songs are mine – I made them to shareif we plant the skulls youwill share the flowers that growwith me – won’t you? Is my mom coming?have you met nurse? she’s young and pretty andsaid she’d marry me someday and take me to Romeand the China Sea and we’ll hold air in our handsat the top of the world and throw it quickly tomake wind and watch kites fly and birds buildnests and the moon shine on the ocean – the tidewill meet our wind by a tower with angelssinging my songs – and all you guys are invitedcause I say so – the nurse says you aren’t hereI’ll never figure out everything I guessI’ve been wondering – the nurse bosses methe nurse must have a boss and soI must be your boss and so – who do you boss?I think sometimes that nothing endsis it me – huh? can I meet who you boss? I wantto talk to someone and tell them I’m really afraid ofthe skulls – but I’m sure they do it just to scare mecan we get them to stop?all night I cry sometimesthe nurse is carrying a skull and I think it’s mineand I think they’re fooling and I dreamof old ladies with crooked teeth andlong black cloaks and I scream and cryand the nurses laugh and I know they’rewitches – but I’m safe with youwe should run away to the forestand kiss and I’ll let you exploremy body and touch my breasts andwe’ll dance and dance and I’ll weara silk dress and the trees won’thave shadows so we’ll never havenight and it will always be warmwe could run nude andswim in the river and pickall the flowers and put them in my hairwe’ll remember everythingBEFORE I CAME HERE EVEN!but then I didn’t know you – I remembermy father and my grandma – she took meto places – we always had fun – she never everyelled – but sometimes she slapped mewe all knew Juanita and we’d all singI think I remember – but I don’t really want tolet’s wait for the church bells and count them againwe can sing in the meantimemother goose made a nooseand hung the ugly ratwhen he was dead she chopped off his headand fed him to the catthe cat struck nine and dies in timethe goose said “that was that!”I know another one! it’s in my head!the ocean floor is full of cavesand faeries dance upon the wavesthe ocean is a friend of mineI swim and swim and drink his wineand then someday if I should drownthe ocean all will be my townthere is a wall at the bottomof the ocean – you were there withme – weren’t you? and the currentwas rushing and I felt I wasnaked and I hid behind the seaweedwhen I saw some young menthey had rings in their earsand their songs were so merryand I joined in their laughterand fell in love with the captainand they heard my heartbeatand laughed at my small breaststhey made me unhappyplease come hold melong ago I was a princess in Spainand I guess you were my chamber maidshow peaceful we werewith the young men and guitarswas that a dream or just far away?there are the bells!twothreefourit’s four o’clock – the highwaymen have takenmy nurse to their castle because they heardwe were getting married and they must havebeen jealous and scared of my beautyJuanita – such a beautiful nameI told you she sang – always sang – she neverwore glasses or hid from the thunder orplayed with the faeries – but she loved to ridebutterflies and sit by a forest and sing songsof marriageJuanitashe was burned in a firebut they won’t let me see herthough sometimes she calls me in my mind.sometimes I see everything in my mindbut no one believes mesometimes I pretend I’m Juanitaand I sing lots of storiesand touch my whole bodyand pretend I’m a virgin and life is brand newand everything is beautifulbecause I’m so beautifuland everybody watches me andloves the things I dobut I couldn’t really be herI’m afraid of the firethe sun made me warm inside thoughI think there’s someone in me sometimesthere was someone in me oncewhen Juanita would love meand we’d lay next to each otherand touch each other’s breath andonce she asked me if she could tastemy body and I said yes and she glided her mouthall over me as I sailed away so far away andI felt her tongue try to go inside meand the whole world would shake whileI relaxed in perfect calmher name was so beautiful and she mademe feel like someone was inside me and I feltso good – I wish I could see Juanitathe nurse once loved me too but it wasn’t the samethough I felt nice afterwards but I thought ofJuanita burning and her mother deadand I cried and the nurse thoughtI didn’t like it and all the nurseswould carry skulls at night and I’mso glad you’re all here to hold me and love melove meloveonce a trucker kidnapped me and took me to Texasin a bar he forced himself in me and invited allhis friends to do it and it hurt so bad – I hatedthem and I was so scared – I ran to my truckerand asked him to save me I thought I was dyingmy body was bleeding andI wanted to leave and go homeNo one believe me – my mom wouldn’t touch meand I went to my room and lighted a candleand I prayed and I prayed for God to forgive meand I cried and I cried and the room wason fire – I knew it was hell and I’d burnthere forever and I ran and I ran andwe heard someone screaming and Juanita ranin and her mother was dead and Juanita wasburned and there were no more sunsets ortreetops – just you my little friends – but Ido miss my mommy – I do miss JuanitaI want to go home – God I want to go homemom I want to go homeplease take me home momplease take me home 

r soos blogs at


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