By Samuel Oluwatobi Olatunji
“Happy new month, baby”“Same to you”“What happened? You are not looking cheerful…”“What is there to be cheerful about?”“Be cheerful because you are alive to see this day…”“I hope my girlfriend hasn’t heard the voice of the Lord to become a preacher this morning?”“And what’s wrong with that?”“Nothing at all… nothing o… I am just wondering how you will serve two masters at the same time…”“And who are the two masters?”“Oh, master of the house seen, and master of the house unseen…”“You are speaking in parables”“Like Jesus did, abi?”“You don’t have the anointed quality of Jesus at all”“Thank God you know, and that’s why you cannot serve two masters. My anointing is different from his.”“I still don’t understand you”“The jealousy of God breathes beneath my skin”“I will assume that to be poetry, right?”“The poetry of truth”“The only truth I know is Jesus”“Wait, wait, when did you start being religious?”“I start today o, my sweetheart”“And why?”“I woke today to hear that Naija is 56, and I remember all the hell we are going through, and I just have to turn to God, hoping he can save us”“hahahahahahahahahahahahhahahaha”“Why are you laughing?”“God saves only those that save themselves”“What do you mean?”“You will certainly find at least a church every corner in this country, right?”“True”“That means God has many houses in our country, and should be worried about the environment his houses are, right?”“Probably”“We can then say that God is not interested in Nigeria, or maybe he hears simply noises and not prayers as it may be difficult to listen to the speakers of two churches beside each other.”“He is God; is there anything too hard for him to do?”“I want to assume that question is rhetorical to exaggerate God”“Please baby, don’t blaspheme this morning o”“Ok, blasphemy-detector.”“Like seriously? Anyway, I want to surprise you today”“Hmmm”“Guess the surprise”“That we will make love from morning to night?”“Chai, you will not be a fuckboy in Jesus’ name!”“Amen even though that’s not the kind of prayer I want”“Well, the surprise is that I am taking you out today”“Really? What happened? You won lottery in your dream, and they have sent the money to your account in real life”“Who knows? Anyway, stop asking stupid question. Go and get dress asap!”“Ok… wait, I hope you are not taking me to Iya Kafaya’s buka?”“If you ask any question again, I will change my mind o”“Click… delete button pressed… all questions hereby deleted”“Hahahaha… good boy! Now get out of here, and prepare yourself”“Wait, are you not meant to be prepared before me? Girls take eternity to bath and dress, right?”“Did you just ask any question?”“Did I?”“And another question?”“Ooops, my bad…”“Oya vanish before I change my mind”“Yes, ma’am….”
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