Why I’m The Guy For You

#BlogFest #50DaysCountDownTo2015 – DAY 22, Written by @iamnotjuke

(Letter To A Prospective Bae)

Dear Darling,

Honestly, this is a no-brainer. By a tremendously long shot, I’m obviously the guy for you. Forgive my cockiness but I see how you laugh every time I say something unbelievably cocky. (I imagine you’re laughing at that right now).

Why look elsewhere? Why choose the tall, dark and heavily built dude with 16-pack-abs when you’ll end up having to share him with a million and one other girls? Look at me. Just one pack. No women will run after me. I promise.

I saw you step out of a G-Wagon last week at that Sharwama joint beside the Afrika Shrine. You didn’t know I was there. What are you even doing with a guy that drives a G-Wagon? Do you know how much that car costs? Are you going to wait until he starts to cut off your fingernails for his sacrifices and money rituals before you wake up? Pick me. I drive a Golf. We all know Golfs are not expensive. You can be sure I used my hard-earned money to buy that. By the way, what’s in a car? His will shield you from the sun. Mine will too. His will keep you from getting wet in the rain. Mine will too. His car has A/C. Mine does too. What’s left? Ehn? Tell me.

Why must I get you an iPhone 6? Why do you even need it? You know that if you use that phone I won’t be able to send you songs via Bluetooth anymore? You know I gave you all the songs you currently have now and to be honest, I know you don’t know how to download. So why? Haven’t you heard that Tecno can now ping?

I know you’re some sort of gourmet (which explains why you like to go around trying out new restaurants) but my dear, whether they make it into a ball or they scatter it around a leaf, Jollof rice is still Jollof rice. Why go to a fancy restaurant when I can easily make you a homemade dinner of Indomie and fried egg? Think about it? All the food will still come out of your rear end. Won’t it?

Look, I think I’ve made my point enough. I’m a nice guy, I’m God-fearing and I live very modestly and humbly (even though our elders say a man cannot be humble if he has nothing to be proud of). Please transfer me out of this friendzone.

God bless you as you do so.

Peace, Love and an empty bank account,


Also read ‘NIRVANA’ by @iamnotjuke

For inquiries, send mails to elsieisy@gmail.com or tweet at @elsieisy

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  1. LMAOOOOOOO!!! Juke has gone bonkers!!!! Hahahahaha…. I will start searching for you oga. I also wish you all the best in your sojourn of love letters. One of my best posts yet. Still lmaooooo

  2. ‘Are you going to wait until he starts to cut off your fingernails for his sacrifices and money rituals before you wake up?’Hahahahahahaa! that line killed me.

  3. All you guys saying nice post, if you like, don’t go and make money o. Laziness wee not kee una

  4. I love every piece of this I swear down. enough of d love hunt, I think Ama jus go for you. lmfao

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