I Give Up Everyday

The second thing I hate about mornings is getting off my bed. I love to sleep, but the book says poverty comes to the one who sleeps for a minute or two.

The first thing is the uncertainty that comes with waking back to reality. Resurrecting from that temporary death. Many times I wish sleep was eternal. Because when I wake, I have to face everything; writing, building a company, social media. More dreadful is facing myself, I avoid the mirror sometimes.

And so, I want to quit. I want to quit because it’s really hard, striving to feed and be at my best. I want to quit because I lost my dad in a crisis and I’m not sure what’s the point to living anymore, everyone dies.

I want to quit because writing is hard, because this life I have been called into feeds on melancholia. I think I want to quit because I’m addicted to social media and sometimes depend on comments for affirmation and that’s terrible. I want to quit because someone called me ugly, because I’m broke, because I don’t have what Instagram celebrities have.

I want to quit because it’s easier to lay in bed till 9am than rush off at 4am to beat traffic and face an annoying boss. I want to watch Game of Thrones from start to finish again, k want to binge on all the movies I intentionally missed so I can binge for the fun of the word.

I want to quit because I don’t think I’m good enough for my partner and I’m up at night thinking he’s gonna break up with me, I think I’ll leave him first before my fears are redeemed. You need to hear how he talks about his female neighbor, boring hell!

I want to quit because I have sleepless nights trying to give life to this idea but it doesn’t just come through and there’s no money to fund the projects. I want to quit because my wife says she regrets marrying me that she should have seen more clearly. I want to quit because she thinks I’m a product of her blindness, because my daughter wonders why others have a generator and we don’t, why others go to private school but she attends a community school. I want to quit because it is easier, because sometimes quitting is victory, not defeat. I want to quit for some of the reasons you want to, and I can come up with reason upon reason but if we lose hope, then we lose everything.

It’s okay to want to quit, nobody reads your blog or retweets your witty jokes. I go to bed most nights, telling myself I won’t be part of life anymore but I wake up in the morning to new hope, sometimes to no hope at all but I refuse to stay down there. One of the profound things I learned while going through is that you have to fall in love. Fall in love with life, with yourself, with someone, with the readers you are hoping to visit your blog, with the customers you are hoping to have, with the promise of a better future.

It’s the end of the first half of 2018, make the second half count. Fall in love with all you are and will become. You will become, I promise.

by Farida Adamu

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1 comment

  1. i want to quit because i don’t understand many things
    i want to quit because i want to be many things and i don’t know how to bridge the gap between now and then
    sometimes the clarity i have evaporates with the sun and by midday i’m wondering what the importance of things are
    i can,t quit because even in my confusion, when i pick a pen to write or i start typing, my thoughts form a straight line

    thing is…i don,t always have something to write or someone to read them and understand and it’s like pieces of me are everywhere…..

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