Bachelors Anonymous – 3

Bachelors Anonymous by Jerry Chiemeke - feature image for elsieisy blog

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February 3rd, 2015.

“Sir, it’s time for another injection.”

“But Nurse Abby, I just took some shots less than thirty minutes ago.”

“You will have injections whenever I say it’s time, Sir.”

Jargo was curious as to the frequency of injections, and not without good reason. This was the fifth injection in a space of three hours that Nurse Abby would be administering to him today, and for what? A hurting leg! It was true that he was receiving treatment for a bullet wound to his left thigh, but that alone was not sufficient reason for Nurse Abby to harass his backside with syringes almost at will.

Nurse Abby’s reputation preceded her. She was known round the city for her unconventional way of administering care, particularly when it came to handling male patients. Legend had it that she treated her male patients to overdoses, whipped up fictitious prescriptions so she could hurt her patients with syringes, and made it a point of duty to taunt her male patients whenever they betrayed any signs of pain. Joe Aito, departed bachelor and writer of the Dark Notes, had been placed under her care before his death from syphilis, and it was rumoured that her pranks had accelerated his death. She was adept in the art of gossip as well, and for all these she came to be known as Nurse Abby the Maleficient.

“So, what is the injection for this time?” Jargo inquired.

“For you to sleep, Mr. Man”, Abby replied. “The doctor said that sleeping will help you recover faster. I could care less though, and for all I know, they should amputate that leg already; not like it’s of much use anyway. Well, a sleepy you makes my job easier. The less of your voice I get to hear, the better for my day.”

As Nurse Abby prepared the shot, Jargo began to dwell on the events of the previous evening. Who could have carried out such a mission? Was it a one-man show, or did the shooter have help? Who were the sponsors, if any? Why would anyone take it upon themselves to attack the organisation? What could the bachelors have possibly done wrong? He needed answers, and he needed them soon enough. He would not get them while still on that bed however, and definitely not when he was at Abby’s mercy. He had to find a way out of that hospital.

“Yes, the injection is ready. Looking forward to hearing you wince in pain. The other nurses will enjoy that kind of gist.”

“Erm, Nurse, please help me with my phone. It fell, and I think it’s under the bed.”

As Abby grudgingly bent to help search for the phone, Jargo looked at the steel tray beside his bed. He could see the syringe. There lay his ticket out of the hospital! He grabbed it, and as Abby tried to raise her head, he went for her neck, pushing in the entire content of the syringe.

“Sorry Nurse, you’ll only be asleep for a while”, he muttered, as he substituted her clothes for his. As he effected the switch, he noticed that she wore no bra. He took a quick glance, put his clothes on her and wheeled the tray out of the ward.

It did not take long for Jargo to locate the exit door. As he walked out of the hospital, he walked to a secluded corner, drew out his phone and dialled a number:

“Stan Lex Carter…..this is Jargo. No time for ‘how far?’ Remember when you suffered a nervous breakdown after Elsie put you in the Friend Zone and I took you to Jerry for therapy? You said you owed me one. Well now’s the time. You’re good in technology yea? I’ll need a tracker, a homing device and some of that GPS stuff. Daalu.”

No sooner had he hang up than he dialled another number. A response came in no time.

“James Becks Roberts speaking, how may help you?”

“JBR, I don’t know how far you have gone, but try leave that bed abeg, and tell ‘her’ you won’t be coming back soon. We have a situation, and I need your skills. Call Ezeani Chucks at State CID, we will need weapons. No time for stealth, we’re going ballistic! Drop the condoms because you will be in no mood for that….and please get me some clothes! ”


“Guys, hope you all enjoyed that game”.

“Emem or whatever your name is, what do you mean? Has the definition of enjoyment changed?”

“Promise, I’m sorry if you found the ladies too hot to handle, no pun intended.”

The abducted bachelors had been afforded some time to relax, and Farida had only slapped Jerry once since his electrocution. Julie and Mimi were standing over the men in their care, and Aidee was polishing her nails when Emem made an announcement. The men were going to eat.

“Food? What do you mean give these men food?” Farida chirped.

“Hey Miss, these men are guests. We need them in passable shape for what we want from them.”

“Well I hope Jerry doesn’t get any.”

Emem pulled out her iPhone7+ from her pocket. She navigated to the MyFoods App, clicked on “African dishes” and selected “Semo and Afang soup”. After a successful download, she connected the phone via USB to a device that looked like a printer. There the plates came out, one by one.

“Listen up, I think we have been too formal here. I will love us to create room for interaction between guests and hosts. Girls, you’ll be feeding the guys. Mimi and Julie, feed the men with you. Aidee, join Mimi. Julie, I know you can handle them both. Farida, well….”

“Me, feed Jerry? You’ve got to be kidding me!”

Peter swallowed from Julie as quickly as possible, unsure of when the next meal would come. Mimi and Aidee took their time with Fash and Promise, teasing them with the morsels at intervals. Farida carried out her duty with a huge scowl.

“Left to me, you’ll be hungry”, she said, as she rolled the morsels.

“Very strong and energetic…I’m talking about the accent. Is that how you moan?” Jerry replied.

Farida put some of the soup at the edge of his nose, her scowl growing in strength.

“With the way you feed a man, you’ll still be in full possession of your maiden name in the next two decades”, Jerry muttered in between sneezes.

“Jerry, do we have a problem, eh? I believe Farida is doing her bit,” Emem cut in, suddenly turning in Jerry’s direction.

“Err, about the food, I was just wondering why we have to use technology for everything these days. What happened to your hands? From washing machines to tin openers to bidets, and now this…and as for the taste, let’s just say, the concoction rice from my university days tasted better.”

“Jerry, do you by any means have the phone numbers of any of your ex-girlfriends?” Emem retorted. “I’d love to call them and find out how they managed to put up with you, given that mouth of yours. Heck, they deserve medals, nay, national awards. You’re insufferable, young man!”

Emem slowly pulled out her phone once more. With a mischievous grin on her face, she opened the MyFoods App, scrolled to options and selected “Undo Meal”. The men watched in dismay as the Semo quickly melted, and the soup evaporated.

“Jerry here didn’t seem too pleased with the taste, and I won’t want to leave any guests unsatisfied, hence my action”, Emem quipped, amidst the growls from the men.

“Jerry, can’t you shut up for once? See what you have caused!” Promise screamed angrily.

“Julie, please drag me towards Jerry for a moment”, Soogun requested, and as she obliged him, he launched at Jerry with a head butt to his nose, adding the word “Idiot” as a bonus.


Emem’s voice restored silence to the basement. She walked towards the men, and, with derision in her voice, said:

“Well, since you don’t feel like eating, we will try something else. Aidee, fix the projectors. We will be having one hour of Africa Magic, then one hour of Telemundo, then another hour of Africa Magic, in that order.”

Tears gushed out from Peter’s eyes as Emem made her pronouncement. In time the projectors were set, and each man felt their brain shrink as the movie on Africa Magic progressed.

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