Just around this time in the year 2019, I met Zodiee. Zodiee is a fine man by my man standards with a decent job and some gigs by the side – Some born out of passion and others for the necessary extra income to build a decent comfortable life. He had the right amount of mannerism, smile, patience, generosity, intuition and sensitivity. He kinda just knew when I wanted something. He could pick a hint as fast as I dropped it. It really felt like it was going somewhere and I liked it. I was not head over heels in love with him, but I liked him enough to give it chance to grow. It felt good to be in a good place. A place where you aren’t wondering about where you stand in a person’s life. I have also heard people say ‘it’s better he loves you more’, so I felt, well…safe. Not like I completely subscribe to that train of thought. I have come to believe that if I am going to do marriage and do it right, I have to love my partner so much that I can ignore and/or tolerate his excesses. That my love has to be strong enough to hold me back from kicking. If I am lucky enough to get the same energy from my partner, then heaven be praised. I don’t ever want to be the stress in a person’s life, doesn’t mean I can’t but I don’t want to. However, there is a stage you get to and you just don’t fight anymore. You take everything life throws at you and enjoy them – the good, the bad, the ugly. That’s where I was…where I am.
In enjoying Zodiee, there was restraint born out of a very strong hunch that something could go wrong. Seven weeks into getting to know him, we had one of our long talks. In summary, Zodiee is happy being the provider. He is happy to give me whatever I want. He is happy to make me comfortable but there is a but… He needed me to take a step back from what I do. “I am not asking you to stop working, I am only asking that you slow down and not do too much. Have more time for me and maybe start thinking marriage and balancing life”, he said.
From his perspective, he was probably right. In 2019, I was all about work. In retrospect, I think I did not put in effort to balance things out. Though not the kind of balance he craved but between my personal projects and the work I did for the company I worked for. But let’s not digress.
So last week, I saw the following on someone’s whatsapp status;
“Sometimes you will be just too much woman. Too smart. Too beautiful. Too strong. Too much of something. That makes a man feel less of a man which will start making you feel like you have to be less of a woman. The biggest mistake you can make is, removing jewels from your crown to make it easier for a man to carry. When this happens, I need you to understand you do not need a smaller crown – you need a man with bigger hands.”
I see this sort of submission a lot and it makes me wonder – ‘Do women ever feel like they aren’t enough for a man?”, because I do. I totally understand the idea of helping every woman around understand that they are much more, understand that even if they decide to become full house wives, what they bring to the table cannot be questioned and they deserve respect…I get it. I have felt the weight of a man wanting me to be less not often enough for that to be my reality. If anything, I constantly find myself where I question my worth, my achievement, class and growth. I always want more and to be more. No matter how loud the applause is, I seldom hear it. I am not sure it’s a good thing but I know a lot has to change and be done better and rewards have to begin to be visible.
This is 2021 and I am in a completely different place. If I met Zodiee now, he would love it. I am not at my best at the moment, I am at that point where I just want to slow down and maybe balance life in the way Zodiee meant it. But that will be a complete misrepresentation of what I want from life. This is where I am now and what it is now. I know I will be on the fast lane again, sooner than later. However, I am enjoying the quiet at the moment, rethinking, rebuilding, starting afresh and being present.
Aren’t we all less of something or someone in one way or the other? We are always less. We all feel less sometimes. Less handsome, less beautiful, less worthy, less rich, less smart, less of a woman, less of a man… You think he or she is too much for you, but don’t we all? When it comes to relationships, ensure you are hooked with people who see the best of you even when you cant. Be entangled with someone who doesn’t mind you being less and more as life permits. Surround yourself with people who understand life beyond the wins we share on social media. The days of sadness, brokeness, confusion, sleeplessness, fear, rage, anxiety and complete mess.
Life is different for different people, find your path (as hard as it may seem) and walk it. It won’t always be good, fast and exciting but you will be happy its on your own terms.