Facebook can be fun when you are friends with or follow the right set of people. Sometimes, the arguments and rants on Facebook can be just too much that I feel I should do a proper thanksgiving for the limitation of words on twitter but damn! Facebook has its good days.
I am sure you are here to find out how to please your man and his family, thereby showing and proving the level and quantity of your wife material. Of course you are on the right blog. Just make sure you understand sarcasm or I will not be held responsible for however the rest of your life turns out.
So the beautiful and intelligent Enwongo C. Cleopas Said:
She that hath ears, let her listeneth to what the prophetess sayeth.
1. If you go to your fiancé’s house and his mom gives you food with four pieces of meat, eat only one and remain the other three. It is a trap/test. Simple home training should teach you that. And if it’s gizzard, reject it.
2. If you visit your prospective fiancé and meet a pile of dirty clothes in his room, and plates not washed from last year and you leave without washing the clothes/plates, you have failed the test of being a wife material.
3. If you visit your fiancé’s family house during Christmas and everyone is watching TV in the sitting room, don’t sit with them. Enter the kitchen and find work to do. It is a trap.
4. If your fiancé takes you shopping and asks you to pick whatever you want, don’t fall for that trap. Take toothpaste and one toothbrush. Your teeth is all that matters. It is a test to know if you’re a gold digger or a home management woman. Kill him with your fresh breathe and smiles alone.
5. If your fiancé sits with his friends and engage in a social conversation, don’t join the discussion. In fact, leave the room and give them space. It is a test to see if you respect him.
6. If your man asks your opinion about an issue, say you don’t know. Make him feel like the man. It will make him respect you. Don’t talk if you’re not spoken to.
7. Once you marry your husband, throw away your sim card. This will make him trust your loyalty and faithfulness. Cut off your friends. He is the only person you need in life. If possible, resign from work too.
8. If your man does not have a Facebook account, do not open one. Wait until he gives you permission to be on social media. He knows what is best for you.
9. If you know that your husband/man is cheating on you, buy condoms and put it inside his travelling bag whenever he has a trip or even when he goes to work. Pray over his boxers and anoint his singlet. It will make him wake up one day after 42 years and say, ‘oh!, the devul used me my lof, I was bewitched by the daughters of Jezebel and the nieces of Delilah’.
10. Never act like you like or enjoy sex with your husband. Ashewo, where did you learn that sound from? Orgasm is not your portion. How dare you want to squeeze your man’s butt? How dare you know where to kiss him? Who taught you to move and wiggle?
Sisthrens, if you have not been doing any of the above, repent now. Go and sin no more. Your sins are forgiven! This is your last chance. And for those of us who know these helpful tips and keep it away, you think you are doing us shey?
Prophetess Ekpriesit Oyobio nee Sister Ekpriesit Nkwang-ukod.
Then the beautiful and stubborn Onyinye Ndupu added:
Enwongo C. Cleopas you are not even wife material enough sef.
You said you were helping us up our wife material game when we are around fiancé and his family ba?
How then can you forget to tell us that:
11. Once it is 4:30am you wake up and sweep all the compound even if your Fiancé has siblings who were doing it before you came.
12. Go and wake everybody, ask them what they would like to take for breakfast and prepare them with firewood.
13. Follow your Mother in-law to the farm to harvest cassava and carry all of em on your head when you are done. Did I hear you say hire workers? Jesus! You really don’t have any wife material do you?
So you want to show you are lazy? Shameless Geh! ??
14. Even if there is a Gas cooker in that House it is a trap!
Go into the farm and get fire woods. Please don’t talk about your eye defect or asthma again. What kind of Wife do you want to be sef?! ??
15. Hand washing clothes will put you in a better position. Don’t mind that washing machine they kept there. They are tempting you. Show them you are the daughter of your mother who washed clothes for all her husband’s Kinsmen when she went to see her husband’s people.
16. I don’t know what you mean by introverted and shy. But please make sure you always join in their conversations and crack jokes with them (even if you don’t feel like it), you need to be a funny wife.
Anywhere you see your mother in-law, goan start gisting her.
17. If they give you one yam to cook. Even if it looks like it won’t be enough, do not cook all of them! It is a trap o!
18. Remember to keep those trousers and crop tops in the deepest part of your box. Come with your wrapper and your six pieces skirts. I know you don’t like them, but are you trying to show mother in-law you are not a submissive wife?
19. If you cook Oha soup and he says it is Afang he wants. Without waiting for him to beg you, run inside the kitchen and start cooking afang. You want to starve the man of the house and you expect to marry him? Wow. You’ve got some nerve girl.
20. I don’t need to remind you not to show him that you like sex. Whatchu mean by 69? ?
Thank us if you may.