Previous Episodes –  The House I  The House II  The House III, The House IV, The House V ,The House VI , The house VII

SESANBode had barely said a word for the last couple of days. Dude no dey even stay house ever since Yemisi fall him hand. It’s good though, every guy needs a reality check every once in a while. He wasn’t my problem, my problem at the moment had more to do with global recession and pocket depletion. Omo e no funny, I had been eating with Yemisi and co for the last two nights. Respect level was still at normal gauge but would soon start decreasing if I don’t stop eating with them. Seems everybody in the house sef was broke at the moment because even when boys gather now to bet, you go dey hear “first to score, fifty fifty naira o”, twenty twenty, imagine. Quite painful, desperate times call for desperate measures. Been a while I paid Landlord a visit, I think I should do so.
BOKAMenn, brokenness no b better thing o. E neva bad like this for me before. Even to buy one bottle of ‘orijin’ now don turn wahala. And I need fuck that Anita girl before she travel again o. Hmmm be like say Sesan broke, he no go fit borrow pesin money now and I still dey owe am how much sef. If I go meet Ben to borrow money now, he go wan use am collect double. Omo, e don tey wey I go see Baba landlord last o. Be like say na the only option wey remain be that.
BODEStaying in the house these days has been depressing so to say the least. I couldn’t even talk or look Sesan in the eye. What was I to say? I had messed up big time and it wouldn’t have been so worse if that stupid prostitute hadn’t shown up. What was her business and why the hell had she been peeping? God!!! Hunger was creeping in.I think I still had about two hundred and something naira in my wallet. I stood up, grabbed my wallet and a short. Stepping out of the room, the whole compound was somewhat quiet, I think I like it this way. I made my way out of the compound. I had stopped going to Iya Nuru after my failure with Latifah. I crossed to the other side of the road and started making my way to the next street. There was a certain Iya Saheed who had a kiosk there. Though it was inconvenient always walking extra steps just to get something you could get next door, it was still worth it for now. I was about turning a corner when I heard…..
“Bros, Bros”. I didn’t turn back, I had heard enough tales about Lagos to know better.
“Bros, na you I dey call na!”,  The voice sounded feminine and this caught my attention. I turned back and saw that stupid prostitute, Yemisi or whatever her name is walking towards me.
I faced forward and continued on my trip, she must have walked pretty fast or something because I had barely taken five steps forward when I felt her hand on my arm. First instinct was to turn around and slap her but then common sense prevailed.
“Ahan Bros, we dey fight ni?”
I didn’t reply, just stood and put up my best frown.
“Ooh, you still dey vex ontop the Latifah matter?,ahan na. All that one na play na, for that house, we dey always tasi anybody”
“Ehen, is that why you came to burst my bubble?”, I doubt if she understood the statement but what the hell.
“No b so, I no plan come pour sand sand for your garri, that day I just dey high small ni. No vex, na why I wan see you sef”
See me? What was she saying? I had never had any business with a prostitute before so what could she possibly want to see me for?
“I see say e b like say you no sabi fuck so I wan help you make you no go fumble next time”
“Help me how?”, now I was really curious.
“I go teach you how to fuck”
My jaw literally dropped, did she just say what my ears took in? I blinked and looked at her waiting for her to burst out laughing or something but her face was indifferent. I took her in, she was about 5’4ft tall and thick. When I mean thick she had pretty wide hips and some ass to back it up. She had on a pair of bum shorts and a tank top or whatever they call it. Her boobs were on the average, don’t know if it was some bra doing the job of holding them up or they were really average and firm.
“Teach me how to fuck? You wan make me dey watch you fuck customers ni?”
Now she bursted out laughing, took her time.
“Who say I wan make you dey watch? Na you I wan dey fuck, make we dey fuck each other till you don good
Now it was my turn to laugh, this had to be the joke of the century. What the hell was she up to? A prostitute wants to teach someone how to fuck for free? What was I missing? I stopped laughing and stared at her again. I decided to follow the joke.
“You want to teach how to fuck? For how much?”
“Ehen na you dey talk, anytime we fuck, I go collect one thousand naira from you, normal na from five thousand and above customer dey pay but as per say you be neighbor and student, I go collect one thousand like that. No negotiating”
She can’t be serious or was she? One thousand naira for a fuck? Christ, should I tell Sesan about this? No, I was still trying to recover from the Latifah Fiasco, how could I even tell him a prostitute wants to start giving me sex lesson.
“When do we start?”
“Anytime you don ready”, and with that she turned around and started heading back home leaving me standing on the road numb.
Where was I heading to again oo?
SESANNa only God know where Baba Landlord carry himself go! Damn! Wetin man go do now. I just stood on the balcony for a while taking in the view. I always loved the view from up here. Often makes me feel like a chairman. I moved over to a corner and sat on a chair I found there, maybe I should chill here till whenever the baba shows up. I never sit down five minutes when I noticed Yemisi entering the compound. Hmm this girl and that ass wey she dey always carry sha. Now, she had a bum short on it and the view was killing to say the least. I thought about calling her but then again, money was my priority now. She disappeared from sight as she headed to aso rock. Was turning my sight back to the overhead view when Latifah also walked into the compound. This girl sha, she don come torment Bode again. Just then I remember Bode wasn’t in the room the last time I checked so where was she going to?
Abi to go see Ben ni, I had a feeling she was going to fuck Ben after the whole Viagra parole. I stood up and started making my way downstairs, I wan see where she dey go. If it was Ben’s room, I go spoil parole for sure. I tiptoe to the back entrance and started peeping to see where she was going to. Spoiler, na Aso rock she dey go sef. I hissed! Maybe I should just go join them gist small for there sef. I got out and with hands in pocket, strolled over.  Omo, I wan piss o. I turned around to the back of building and just a few feet away from Aso rock’s window was a gutter we usually used. I stood over it and was undoing my zipper when I heard……..
“E don set, he don agree”, Yemisi’s voice.
“You sure? How you take tell am”, Latifah’s voice.
Wait o, when did Latifah start runs too? Abi what were they saying?
“I just tell am noni say I wan teach am how to dey fuck say as per I like am”
“Yemisi, you don mad o”,  Latifah bursted out laughing.
“How you go just tell boy say you dey teach am how to fuck?”
“Abi wetin you for like make I tell am? Say na you send me to am? Say make I teach am how to fuck?”
“No jare, e better that way but wait o you sure say he no go tell Sesan about this parole? Sesan fit spoil parole o”
Ahh, which parole was that? Parole going on in the compound without my stamping it? Did it involve money?
“He no go tell Sesan, the boy too dey shy. Even as Sesan na him cousin, he no go wan jabo. And boys no even dey talk that kind thing outside.”
So this was about Bode? Well done, I forgot I needed to pee.
“But Latifah, come o why you yourself no wan teach am how to fuck. You sef na tornado na”
“No jare, I just no wan do am but I like the boy sha. So I wan do am jeje”
“Chei, you don love up, Lati! Lati!! E good sha make person get one serious boy and then plenty other parole. But shey you no forget our agreement sha?”
“No worry, Yemo I no forget, anytime wey he come fuck you, come collect your two thousand”
Omo menn, see stunts oo right under my nose. Telling Bode was out of the question but how does all these profit my own pocket.
“I wan fuck Ben sha”,  Latifah’s voice came through again.
“You tell me, you sure say he go fit use that big preek well abi he just get am for fashion?”
“No worry, if he no sabi use am, I go use am myself”,  and they bursted out laughing.
I had heard enough, I didn’t feel like taking a piss anymore. How, how do I make money for all these information? Abi make I tell Boka, that boy na correct igbo boy, he would come up with a plan but then again his love for Ashewos fit spoil whatever plan he comes up with. Hmmm na Bello go sweet talk to for this parole. I pulled up my zipper and adjusted my shorts, make I go see Bello. I turned around and came face to face with Boka………
Written by BASS @OlumiCFC


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