The Birthday Beating | by Stephen Eke @itsUncleStephen

As a New year approaches, I remember when I, @UchennaNG and another friend, nearly died on my Birthday, because we went to a party and rocked some Cultist’s babe in another school.

I was in my room Jeje oh. No plans for the day whatsoever, when my unfortunate friend comes in like o boy party dey for IMSU. Ah! IMSU? The land flowing with babes and honeys? I quickly donned my Israelite garment, ready to leave my Egypt of a room.

But I should have known. Nothing good ever comes out of my friend ironically named Progress. If that boy says come let’s start doing yahoo. Best believe the day you go to buy laptop to start, as you’re exiting the shop, waiting for you outside will be EFCC, SARS, ICPC, OPC and even the defunct Issakaba boys whose machetes will show all the colors in ROYGBIV when they place It on your chest.The birthday beating - elsieisy blog

But did I listen to my spirit man? No! I was in FUTO, whose babesโ€™ ratio was 5million to 1. To even enter friend zone na achievement. I called my main man Uche like abobi answer daddy show-key for my house bcos it seems The lord will bless someone may be us

Before the call ended, @UchennaNG was in my house. Plying us more, it happened that the babes knew me as they had attended a show I was MC, the week before. They were excited I was coming and promised we would feel their anointing. I’m like here I am Sister eazi. Zagadis my life.

Progress, my friend needed everything to go well. He had no babe to call his own. After trying to take his life eating 12 fufu after his last heartbreak hoping (i guess) it would fill the hole in his heart, this one had to work. Fiam! Boys don spray perf. Dress up. Aluta movement!

The babes were gingered. They called like 2000 times talmabout where are you guys? Hian! This excess enthusiasm. Where they stayed had lots of bush around the lodge. I’m thinking abeg o. Sure say one baba never tell these babes to bring one MC and his two friends for rituals.

But brethren. You see something? Something must kill a man. When we got there, called and they came out and we hugged, confam 720 degree rubbing minds hug. A high pitched thank you Jesus escaped my lips. Coming here was surely Godswill [akpabio] for my life. Amem? Emem!

Ladies and gentlemen dem carry us reach their room, enter party. Come and see babes. Every and any corner. Here, there. Untop seat, inside fridge, under table, behind TV. In fact dip hands inside your pocket and bring it out, you’ll see what? Babes!

Filled with happiness, I looked up and like in that Old MTN advert, I’m like “oh! Lord of hosts. Now you wanna make me cry. Step up unto the balcony of my praise and receive this gift of thanks that’s as priceless as you are.” joyful tears streamed down my faceThe birthday beating - elsieisy blog

Shayo don dey flow. Music dey blow. I, Uche and progress were 3 out of 7 other guys there and were receiving maximum attention, as FUTO boys which had high stocks there. One of the guys left, angry it seemed, but we no send. Babes were grinding us like fresh tomato. Thank you Jesus.

Somehow news got round it was my birthday and Progress’ girl encouraged babes, as many as were willing, to give me a lap dance. Uche was in one corner forming basketmouth for one babe with hips 44, waist 34ย and was surely not up to 24.

Lap dance started. Brethren they say it is HARD for a rich man to enter heaven. You know what else was also HARD that day? That thing you’re thinking is right. Men!! He arose [ and I’m not talking Jesus] Babes were rocking me and something like mic was chooking them.

I did the only right thing to get my mind away. I thought of how he hung on the cross, how he suffered, how he was beaten, I started feeling his pain and a lone tear even leaked down my left cheek and my torch went off. Hallelujah.

The birthday beating - elsieisy blog

Up next; Jesus Basket. Where we broke bread and drank the communion wine therein. Na so!

We played devil’s basket and children of Wobe made sure we ate every fruit in the basket. Wetin concern us? Instead of food to waste make belle tear instead.

Oh! The dancing. The babes were bursting my head, shoulder, knees and toes. Small life I gave to Christ the day before in church during altar call, these babes ensured I collected it back. Forgive me father I know what I’m doing

Time flies when you’re in the Promised Land. Before we knew, it was 9pm. We had a long way back to school. We said our goodbye’s, hugged, Progress even kissed and we left armed with numbers like we just played Baba ijebu. It was surely what a day the Lord had made should look like

‘Wey you. Park there’ said a guy with a chest as big as two of my head, coming out of nowhere with 4 other guys. We were on a lonely, bushy road. Hot piss filled my bladder. Next thing Progress replied, “who una be to park us” I looked at him like WHAT IS DOING THIS IMBESIDE

The birthday beating - elsieisy blog

panda! Show them who we be” A guy who looked nothing like a panda stepped forward, raised his shirt, aside the numerous scars, two guns were tucked into his jeans. To convince us say no be fake, baba cocked the gun. A drop of furnace hot piss hit my boxers. ‘Now move it’

Unfortunate Progress asking who dem be before was in front when they took us to one bushy area near the junction. And when they asked us to kneel down, the useless boy lie down. When ‘stone‘ another of the cultist sand am better slap, he knelt down

‘So una from far, come our kaban come wan collect our glory’ ‘hmmm’ others responded. ‘meat wen we wan chop. Una chew am, swallow am, use toothpick’ (Ah egbami oh. Na only drink I drink for the party. Bros I no chop meat) I said inside me.

“Panda, stone, Elder. This men don fuckup pra pra” said the Leader. ‘Absolute 4kup’ wailed elder. ‘Major 4kup’ Panda screamed ‘Hyper 4kup’ cried Stone ‘over fuckup’ uche said to me with his now wet eyes. “Oya empty your pockets.” he said.

Out came wallet, phones, condoms, chewing gum, paper with numbers, Our actions, lubricated with so many hot slaps I could see my phone off and on the floor, yet it was ringing in my ear nonetheless. “una must collect” their oga said “Collection must be theirs” others replied.

I knew collection didn’t mean offering when the beatings started. Omo! I couldn’t see myself. Progress who was forming I can be your hero baby before, when one better slap touched him, baba shout “mummy’m oooooooo”. “Stop!” the leader shouted. “Adamise these jews”.

I’m like.

The birthday beating - elsieisy blog

Before we could say 1, 2 buckle my shoe, we had been encouraged by more slaps to strip down to our boxers. That’s when both we and the cultists alike noticed Progress wearing a pink boxer with barbie image, dotting it. We stared at him whathefuckerly like?

The birthday beating - elsieisy blog

‘Oya lie down face ground’ Na so we lie down. Only boxers. Like say na crime fighters. To make things worse one ant was climbing my leg, heading for my penalty spot. In my mind I’m like my village people pls dundodis I’ll bring something to appease y’all in December.

While on the ground, they still gave us some beatings, and then they started deliberating. We could hear them murmur. Me too I was murmuring in my mind like father give me a last chance at life abeg. I’ll never ever follow women

Finally their Oga shouted “stand up” We did. “now run away! Run. Don’t stop running. If we see you people here again. Una go die” Eh? Me? Man’s was like.

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Now picture three young men, running half naked towards a junction. It was no wonder, one guy standing at the junction, baba see three agile men dey run towards am. The guy picked race and threw it away.

Now we’re standing at the junction, almost 10pm, half naked, trying to flag down keke. Nobody was stopping. Anyone that slows down, on seeing three naked ritualists as they must have thought, omo voom! They drive off. We’re there like.

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Finally, one keke stops and charges us an arm and a leg to take us all the way from town to school. So we’re in the keke, cold stealing our youth, and the few Nigerians that saw us kept wondering why we were naked inside keke. Like please abeg. Nobody should ask what happen or

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We finally got to school, dropped off Progress at his, managed to sneak into my Lodge and get money to pay the keke guy. Slept with pain in my heart, Only for Progress to come the next morning like, I call those babes o. Dem say party dey but no worry no be for that their side.the birthday beating - elsieisy blog 11

There and then, I realised the boy was a core member of my village people, and the more I stared at his face, the more it transformed to its real village uncle chinwetalu agu form. Tueh! Get the behind me. Animal.


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More to come Cheers.

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  1. hahahahaha… what a story… y wud dah guy be call progress ,I bet is d opposite…. u really made my day.

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